I found out that the Google AlphaGo AI defeated the world champion at CS:GO. And this made me think, if artificial intelligence is the highest level of play… …why even play against people? I’m hoping a lot of other people will realize this. So I’m going to make this guide on how to defeat easy bots in offline mode. Now, you might be saying “Kilian, why should I listen to you?” There’s a rumor going around that you are the worst CS:GO player in the solar system. First of all, no, there are a lot of people worse than me At least five. And sure, I might not have thousands of hours in CS:GO But I have 38… …minutes. Also, my experience as a pro Titanfall player… …makes up for the fact that I don’t know how to buy weapons. Here we go! I don’t want to spoil the video, but I never defeat the bots. And here are the five stages of Counter-Strike grief.

I lost, but I mean, come on, it’s not like you can win every game. Sometimes you get unlucky. And it was not like I was actually trying. Also, sure it was an offline game, but did anyone else notice high ping? You know what, the main reason I lost was because I picked the terrorists. You can pick the well-funded, well-trained special forces, and I picked the cave dwellers. Thi-this is way better. I did worse? How is that even possible? Counter-Strike is fucking bullshit. I have watched thousands of CS:GO tips and tricks videos And they made it pretty fucking clear that the most important thing in Global Offensive is to have a rare knife! I have the original knife. Not a single video had it. This is as rare as it fucking gets. Also, who designed this place? The map is sixteen years old! Then of course I’m losing! Back then they didn’t know how to make maps! They barely had color photography! Here we go! Why am I still losing? I play so much! I think I had a life before I started making this video, but I can’t remember it.

Now it’s just eat, sleep, CS:GO, repeat. And that’s how it’s been for… …one hour? Really? Felt so much longer. Still, what do I need to do, execute a teammate at the start of every match? To enforce discipline? Do I need to stop playing and focus on opening weapon cases? Do I need to learn Russian? I can learn Russian! Okay, so, “hello” in Russian is… Ano, checky breky on davke! What’s the point, I’m pretty sure they programmed the easy bots impossible to beat. I need superpowers to slay these unholy creatures. And usually to get superpowers you need toxic waste, and where would I even get that? I searched for “Nearby toxic wasteland”, and it recommended matchmaking. And Twitch didn’t help at all, it was like rivers coming out of the dead sea. Streams made of salt. And appearently every single player in every single rank is bad. But I don’t have a rank. So I guess I’m really good. Finally found a great tip. At the start of a round you can buy stuff. And with this knowledge I was ready to defeat my opponents.

[♫ Antonin Dvořák – “New World” Symphony No. 9 in E minor, Op. 95 Allegro con fuoco ♫] Still lost! But I will never win, and I have accpeted this. Because I realize now, that it’s my teammates’ fault. I can do no wrong! And now I’m going to bring that attitude to matchmaking! That person went on to become the most toxic player in EU history. Hello, I’m Kilian Experience, and I’m here to tell you that being mean in a video game is a war crime. If you or someone you know is being toxic, don’t be afraid to contact your teachers, your priests or even a parent figure. Like Valve. And remember, it is estimated that 100% of toxic players will die..

As found on Youtube