Currently, very few people know the full story of Dark Souls 3, so only a moron would be making fun of it, but I have been called much worse. If you’re watching this video in a year or later you will probably find a bunch of lore errors. Don’t be a dick about it, you wouldn’t go into Colombus’s logbook and write “That’s the Dominican Republic, YA DINGUS!” Dark Souls 3 takes place after Dark Souls 1. How long after? We don’t know, but I’m guessing like a couple of weeks. The game begins with a backstory cinematic. I think I can do it faster. In Dark Souls, it’s the Age of Fire, and the Age is supposed to die, and the world is supposed to be consumed by darkness, but a powerful being can jump into this one fireplace called the Eternal Flames, and prolong the Age of Fire. When a person does that, they become a Lord of Cinder. Confused yet? Good. The official slogan for Dark Souls is, of course, “Prepare to Confused”. In Dark Souls 3, the Age of Fire has been going on for a long time, but the guy who’s supposed to become a Lord of Cinder is a teenager going through a phase.

So he’s not gonna do it. So the Bells of Awakening resurrects previous Lords of Cinder to fix this. There’s Aldrich, the… wait, are you sure that’s an actual being and not just some company failing at proper waste disposal? Farron’s Undead Legion, the generic NPCs. Yhorm the Giant, who is either very big or the camera is very close. And Ludleth, the, uh… Ludleth. But when they woke up they were like, fuk savin the world lets get fukkin smashd and then they threw a massive end-of-the-world party. Except for Ludleth, because, I don’t want to be rude or anything but he’s not exactly boss material. So now other people called the Unkindled are getting resurrected to chase down the resurrected Lords of Cinder, and you are one of them.

We wake up in the Cemetery of Ash. Here is where they buried a certain Pok√©mon protagonist. And walking here makes you think that they could probably have saved a lot of time by just throwing the bodies off this cliff. Our first challenge is the Iudex Gundyr. He’s here to judge us if we are worthy to light ourselves on fire. That means if you fail this boss on your first try you should uninstall the game out of respect. After he’s dead we enter the Firelink Shrine A.K.A. Mission HQ and our mission is simple.

Kill four bosses and save the world! Which, let’s be honest, is a way better goal than in the last game, where the goal was to find a cure for Alzheimer’s. And in the first game, that was just some guy who decided “I should say ‘yes’ more”, and then things escalated. We take the sword we just got and put it in this fireplace. Now it’s a teleportation device. Must have been one powerful sword! We teleport to Lothric, where we can see the utter devastation caused by the end-of-the-world party. The intro said the Lords were supposed to be here, but they are not. They left without cleaning up! Now I’ll gladly kill them, I don’t even need saving the world as an excuse! To get out of Lothric, we need to defeat this boss, who I’ve heard can deal damage, but I have yet to see it.

Some gargoyles carry us down to the Undead Settlement. This settlement is not only for the Undead but also for actors who failed the audition for Bloodborne. Here we find Yoel of Londor, he is needed to get one of the endings, so I’m going to kill him so I don’t have to explain that ending. This settlement was filled with curses, so they put the worst curses in a tree. If only we could do that in real life. I’m diagnosing you with chlamydia so I’ma need you to go outside, find an oak tree, and stick your dick in it. Travel some lifts, have a nice nature stroll, and eventually you make it to Crucifixion Forest. This place is very important because here we can find some armor that makes you look like a Star Wars. Protip: in Dark Souls all armors have the exact same stats, they just look different. Our target is the Abyss Watchers, the leaders of the Undead Legion. First question: How did they fuel the flames? Did they form a pile on it? Second question, what is this Abyss that they are watching? Well it’s this dark place.

And that’s it! The Undead Legion is an army trying to uphold the legacy of Knight Artorias, and by his legacy I mean that he also fought the Abyss, not that he was DLC. It’s the Abyss Watchers, not the Exclusive Maps Watchers. The Undead Legion is famous for destroying entire kingdoms if someone just rented the James Cameron movie. At least according to Oppenheimer here. He also tells us that to join the Undead Legion you have to walk around a venomous swamp and turn off candles. Now you’re probably saying “that sounds pretty awful.” And you know, you see that’s the genius of From Software because it’s way worse.

For some reason they decided to put the most annoying enemies ever in the swamp, and to make it even worse, we shouldn’t have to DO this, because we’re not JOINING the Undead Legion, we’re trying to kill them. The Abyss Watchers should have like a secretary in front of the swamp so we can like book a meeting or something. The Abyss Watchers’ entire thing is of course that they fight the Abyss, so we should find them in some random place punching a shadow. But instead we find them here, fighting each other. Why? Well I’m speculating that the Abyss got very annoyed by this whole “being attacked all the time” thing, so the Abyss got a restraining order. And the reason they’re fighting each other is not because they have been corrupted or anything, it’s a sex thing.

From the Wolf Bloods Teddybear we find out that they didn’t actually want to prolong the Age of Fire, they were having a gangbang and accidentally rolled over on top of the Eternal Flames. First Lord dead! Now we slug hunting. Aldrich was a normal cleric in the Cathedral of the Deep. Then one day he ate a guy. This caused him to gain a lot of powers, so he ate more and more people becoming more and more powerful, and then one day he turned into a sludge worm monster… How? Let’s just say you should always check the expiration date. But he got way too powerful so he got forced to enkindle the First Flames so he would disappear. But what kind of superbeing would be able to force a worm monster to kill himself? Well, all the evidence points to none other than Clint Eastwood But now he’s resurrected, so we’re going to go search for him in the Cathedral of the Deep. To get there we have to travel the Road of Sacrifices. People think it’s called that because they would transport sacrifices to Aldrich but it’s actually named after a very popular Lothric metal band.

But he’s not in the cathedral. But you know what is? More armor, so we can look even more like a Star Wars To get to the city Aldrich is in we have to travel the Catacombs of Carthus. It’s a mix between the best part of Dark Souls 1 and the worst part of Dark Souls 1, making it… an okay part. Here you face the easiest boss in the game but I still died though because this game is bullshit. Welcome to Irithyll, a city ruled by Pontiff Sulyvahn. The Pontiff was once a young sorcerer, but also a die-hard atheist. Which was a bit problematic because his hometown was ruled by gods.

So he captured the gods and seized control of the city. You find him in his own church dedicated to the Mariana Trench. Wait, he’s a sorcerer but he’s going to be using swords? This boss fight will be easy! So… after a… couple of hours… you leave the church, and… great. But then things start to feel a bit too familiar. I fucking knew it. Welcome to Anor Londo, the city of the go- spider spider spider spider spider spider This boss door fills me with… Nah, it’s nothing. Hey look it’s Aldrich and he’s chewing on a god. …What’s going on here? At some point Aldrich had a vision that he would survive the coming apocalypse and that it would be awesome. You know, he’s one of /those/ people that builds a bunker in the backyard, then just hopes for a nuclear war. But to survive the end of the Age of Fire he would need to eat a god. I think he might have missed a few steps, but he doesn’t seem like the most mentally stable, does he? Fortunately for him, his friend Pontiff Sulyvahn had a couple of gods in his garage, so the Pontiff was like, “Ok mate we have two great gods, fresh caught, do we want them deep fried?” And Aldrich responded, rrrugghblghleeeghblllagh because he’s a worm monster and can’t speak.

So what we are witnessing here is a slug, sucking on the moon god like a lollipop. Dead. Next lord. Yhorm the Giant of the Profaned Capital is an all-around great guy. We learn that he stood up for humanity, believed in justice, taught inner-city kids to believe in themselves, and his soul description tells us that he actually paid for Winrar. He willingly sacrificed himself to prolong the Age of Fire because it was the only way to save his friends. Bit of a problem, remember what I said about fueling the First Flames? The Age of Fire can be prolonged by a powerful human.

Homo sapiens. He’s not human is he?! When a god fueled the flames, his knights got burnt but survived. Unlike the citizens of the Profaned Capital, that got their flesh burnt off. And that is why you should always wear protection. So when he returned, things must have been pretty awkward when he found out that he killed all his friends. So awkward that he wants to die. So he gives us the only sword that can kill him. But I didn’t use it because I’m not a casual. The next Lord is Prince Lothric. Why is he such a little bitch and refuses to light himself on fire? Was it that he was destined to become the greatest champion that ever lived and was named after the kingdom because of this, and then became a big disappointment? Was it because his head teacher, possibly this thing, told him to listen to Linkin Park and also not to link the fire? Was it because his dad got obsessed with a boss from the first game and had…

A bit too many plastic surgeries? No he’s a spoiled brat that’s it. To get to him we have to beat this boss, and this boss. One of the few bosses I defeated on my first try. If you’re having problems with any boss, just equip poison throwing daggers, because they just fucking work. Then finally you get to face Lothric and his big brother. I don’t want to become a Lord of Cinder. No one understands me! But they would if they followed me on Tumblr He’s dead, yay mission complete! Time to talk endings. Dark Souls 3 has four. One I don’t have to explain.

One I don’t care about. We put the bosses’ heads on their respective thrones, then we get teleported to the Kiln of the First Flames. Here we face everyone who has ever linked the fire, and we are reminded that Dark Souls is still bullshit. First ending is that you light yourself on fire but the Age of Fire is so old that it has a hard time getting it up. The only right thing to do is to end the Age of Fire. And then everyone dies of unspecified reasons. Because in the world of Dark Souls there are no happy endings. And that is the Kilian Experience. .

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