Mass Effect is a huge space adventure that creates a lot of questions. Like does sprint make you faster? Or is it just the camera zoomed in? I love the trilogy. Mass Effect 2 was amazing, and Mass Effect 3 promised an ending we would never forget. They didn’t lie! First we create our character, introducing Trent Shepard. Shhepahrd I see… In the future all surnames are based on German dogs. THE BACK STORY OF MASS EFFECT An ancient alien race called the Protheans built a bunch of stuff, then they DIED! Or became on-disc DLC, which is worse than death. Forty-nine point nine K years later… humans found some broken pots on Mars. UHHHH buncha shit happened… Now we here! THE BACKSTORY OF TRENT SHEPARD Trent’s dad is a lawyer, and uhhh… that’s it. We are on the ship Normandy in with our boss David, and a Turian named Shitty Face-Texture.

I had to go into the folder to fix the graphics because this game was made in the 90’s! We have to go to a human colony because the Protheans left us a message there. Probably just a reminder to buy groceries But the colony is under attack! Or they could be faking it for an insurance scam. No, as we land officer… something dies. On the tutorial level PUH-THET-IC!!! The attacker’s are… Bill Wurtz: THE GETH! A synthetic force of SPACE ROBOTS! They use sticks to create zombies, so we are fighting robots and zombies. If dinosaurs show up Mass Effect was made by a 3rd grader. We rescue a girl named Ashley “Your armor is weird, which makes you a main character.” The message is in a beacon, Actually it’s just a metal pole and the Prothean left a Post-It. But calling it a beacon gets that science grant! Meanwhile further ahead on the level… Our friend finds another Turian friend, named Saren then Saren shoots him in the back! Alien friendships are WEIRD!!! We see a spaceship fly away, it’s not important OH NO HE’S DEAD! How did this happen? Oh, this guy saw everything.

Sadly his shocked state has made him insane. We find the beacon, and it looks dangerous, and Ashley wants to die. But Trent saves her, and the Protheans broadcast the message into his mind. Shepard wakes up 15 hours later and explains his vision First, Protheans dying And then… the 80’s! Both things were equally horrible. The ship arrives at the Citadel A space station built by the Protheans and acts like an oversized UN building. Saren is a space-cop for the Citadel Council. Time to snitch on him to get him fired! We meet the Council, Humans aren’t allowed to join yet because, quote: “We are too awesome.” The Council consists of: Councillor Dickhead Asari councillor “taking a stance is scary” And the Salarian Brolarian That’s his actual name.

We explain to them that a random guy said Saren by name, also he recorded the incident, and for some reason had samples of Saren’s semen. But Saren defends himself. “Council if I was able I would hide it.” “Currently I both look and sound evil.” The council agrees and in their defence: Saren is not actually the enemy in Mass Effect.

That’s a mechanic force called “elevators” And the human ambassador! Hundreds of billions of people in the galaxy and he manages to be the biggest asshole He points out that it’s a BioWare game and we don’t have enough companions to continue First we recruit Garrus, then Wrex who is a…. He’s a dinosaur I knew it! TIMMY AGE 9 MADE MASS EFFECT! And Tali a hypochondriac. She has a recording that proves Saren did it. “Ahhhh, attacking human colonies is so boring! I’ll be behind those bushes, no one check on me!” “Could be anyone.” “It’s Saren by the way. Social Security number 9.. 3 4” Because of this revelation the council orders Trent to hunt down Saren. And also throughout the game shout SAREN every ten minutes They also make Shepard a space-cop who is above the law. Sounds like a terrible idea and proves that even alien politicians have no idea what they are doing. Time to travel to three planets and search for clues! Our first stop Bill Wurtz: THE GETH is attacking a planet named Feros. And no one is helping them because…

The fuck is a Feros? We land and on the dock we meet David. They killed David! MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!!! We run through the colony, no time to talk I’m in “Avenge David” mode. COME BACK HERE YOU COWARDS!!! These types of Geth are highlighted in a cutscene They must be very dangerous! Under some stairs we find more people. “The Geth are in our evil company’s HQ but don’t steal our stuff.” “I’m an RPG hero, I’m gonna steal your stuff.” We are off to the company The Geth has parked their ship against a skyscraper, trying to be like those crazy Ukrainians. Maybe not do that when you kill someone’s best friend! So the gang cuts this and yeah… We didn’t avenge David.

That was their own stupidity. But we saved the planet! Oh no! Turns out the company was researching a mind-controlling plant. The plant was friendly and cooperative but then the company started offering vegan and it snapped. They buried it under the colony and now it controls everyone there. And that’s why they only eat meat. Everyone tells us to save the colonists, but then this guy is like: “That guy’s crotch is wet, how embarrassing!” and it’s a massacre everyone has to die, even the younglings. Use crane. Find hole. Time to fight a plant monstrosity that can control people! “Hey maaan. Wanna make 5 bucks?” “No.” “Ah no, you bested me. I can clean up your Prothean vision because I’m good with Movie Maker.” Mass Effect has many mysteries.

But the biggest one throughout the series is Best Waifu? And there is a candidate that also happens to be an expert on Protheans. First, more car. I can’t drive over this. I’ve seen this car climb over things that were meant for DEITIES! But not this small wall? Mein gott, they are highlighting this guy! He must be very Liara is stuck in a bubble. How do we get her out? Hmmm, we need a calculated solution. Or we could juice this GIANT LASER! Yeaaaaaaaaahh But oh no, we get stopped by ….4 people. Then the place collapses. Sure, would be fun to play this. “Shepard, I have magical brain powers. Let me see your vision.” “DAFAQ?” Liara decides that the only reason an ancient beacon would show a vision of the 1980’s is because it’s broken. And because it’s fifty thousand years old they don’t have any warranty. So, they need to find a new one. We go to a planet with an Ice Age theme! And the tourist kiosk tells us Liara’s mother and Saren’s bestie was here.

How convenient! But we aren’t allowed to leave this station because the boss is another contender for Biggest Prick in the Universe We can do a quest line about corruption and stuff, or we could go to his room and hide pictures of the Salarian Boyscouts. Ha ha! Now we can leave the station. UGGH, not more car. HUH, a cutscene! Geez, this guy We’re here! It’s a sci-fi game so we need a scary abandoned factory. But the scariest thing in Mass Effect is the save system. It often saves frequently enough that you don’t think about saving but not frequently enough to not be infuriating.

Like here, the game froze. And my latest save was so far back it was KoTOR. The mom was here to find a mooooo The mom was here to find a Mu relay. The relays are…. uhhhh I dunno, I guess everyone knows so no one has bothered to tell me. So what do you do when you want to find something? That’s right, you mind read the crayfish. Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, the Rachni. The mom gives us the Muuuuu relay coordinates and then we gun her down. Yes, in that order. Then the Rachni grabs control of a corpse to talk to us. Who are you? You humans call us the Rachni. But we call ourselves THE SPACE LOBSTERS! You can save us *rip* Council calls us. Commander Shepard, we found out that the planet Virmire has a big file size in the masseffect folder. You should check that out. So we go there and oh god, more car. We find some salarians trying to attack a fort owned by Saren.

They asked the council for an army and they sent like 5 people. But we are main characters. This attack makes Wrex angry because a fort contains a cure for his kind’s disease. You see, the thin lizard people made a disease that makes it so that fat lizard people can’t breed. Humans call it Genophage, the Salarians call it anti-viagra. Fortunately, in Mass Effect being an asshole makes you good at convincing. Not sure how that works. We find a second beacon and a hologram of Saren’s ship Sovereign. And here it comes, the big suprise: The ship did it. N-no, really. Sovereign explains it: Okay, we are the Reapers – an ancient machine race that sometimes show up and wipe out the galaxy. Whyyy yyyou don’t want to know. A Canadian game developer tried to explain it once, that did not go really well. The Citadel and these space outbounds? We build them.

It was Reaper contractors, who, unlike your… “organic” contractors always show up on time. The gang decides to blow up the facility. But oh noes, two characters are stuck and might DIE. Now you are forced to pick between saving Ashley or saving Ashley. Actually Kaiden, but according to Bioware, Kaiden’s survival rate is in the negative. They expect players that haven’t played the game yet to pick Ashley. Saren shows up, and he’s like “Join me, Commander Trent”. And Shepard is like “No. Join me, Saren.” “No, join me, Commander Trent.” This goes on for a while and finally, they agree to disagree. Very mature bossfight. Now that the beacon has fixed the vision, Liara can watch it. ♪ Baltimora – Tarzan Boy ♪ She deciphers that he singing about Ilos, a lost Prothean colony. We have to go there but first, maybe tell the Council about a giant robot coming to kill them. But Council don’t like what they are hearing so they adopt a brand new policy called “La la la, can’t hear you!” And they ground us.

But then Anderson punches this guy in the face And the Council is like “Oh yeah, we always wanted to do that, you can leave now.” We arrive at Ilos, but they can’t get down there because Geth army is beng very rude and won’t let us land. But Seth Green says he can drop the car from space. So they try it and fail and everyone DIES, civilization ENDS. If they’d have actually succeeded, we would have to drive more car so that’s worse. Oh no, we’re all trapped in here and we’re all going to DIE.

Da heck is that? “Hey guys, I am a Prothean AI. Have you stopped the Reapers?” “No.” “What the fuck man. We sent out warnings all over the galaxy. Calculating: it should have reached your planet in… 1980.” The AI explains that the Citadel is actually a giant teleporter linking the Dark Space, where a giant Reaper army is. Dark Space is the ultimate middle-of-fucking-nowhere. No… That’s northern Canada. But second place, Dark Space. But we can disable the Citadel with a signal we already know. But Saren is already at the Citadel! Oh noes, how will we get there in time? We use this thing! Which was an important plot point but I forgot it. We have 5 minutes before fusion drive detonates, ♪ Halo music ♪ We did iiiiiiit! And the car gets destroyed. Let’s hope it’s not permanent. It is. Time to run to Saren! There he is! “Saren, if you wipe out the galaxy I will kill you.” “Ha, Shepard, you can’t kill me if I kill myself!” That was an easy bossfight. We play the signal and get control of the station.

But then the Reaper takes control of Saren’s body and turns him into a guy with a bad back. Final bossfight! Wait, he’s a robot! All I have to do is ask an impossible question. “Hey Sovereign, lick your own elbow!” “Assume dire-wait, WHAT?” We did it! We save the galaxy. The Council thanks us for saving the galaxy from the Reapers. But they will have changed their minds by the next game. Because the moral of the Mass Effect trilogy is: “Buy a fucken camera!” And that is the Killian Experience..

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