Overwatch has this mechanic where you are supposed to switch heroes to counter your enemies. It’s also a team game. So you shouldn’t have to bother. You should play the exact same hero, always. But which one? Blizzard was working on an MMO called “Titan” Then one day, one of the designers said: “I think six random strangers can escort an object a short distance.” So they shut down production of Titan to test out his theory. The answer was no. They can not. But now they had this FPS with lots of heroes. Genji is the first hero.
He can send bullets back with his sword. Which should not be possible! But then again, I have never actually tried. But the reason you should not play Genji has nothing to do with his abilities or even his backstory. It’s because with his weapon it’s very hard to draw a penis. And then what’s the point of playing an FPS? The second offense hero is McCree, he is also the first American hero. So of course he’s a cowboy. Way to stereotype 320 million people, Blizzard! Shameful. McCree can not tell time, he will say: MCCREE: It’s high noon! Even though it’s clearly not. This is a sign of Dyschronometria. And a good rule is to avoid the one hero with brain damage. The next American is Soldier: 76. Real name: Generic Genericson. He led Overwatch for twenty years, then he faked his own death. Used the life insurance to buy rockets and shit. His ultimate is auto-aim, which is useless for me because I never miss. Maybe I’m missing right now in the video, but that’s because I’m not using my pro gaming mouse! I would never play him, though. Because Blizzard said he was made for casuals.
And most people on Earth would agree that being labelled a casual is a fate worse than death. It’s better to play as his former friend, Reaper, who was a decorated soldier in Overwatch, Then one day he became a sociopath with paranormal abilities. How? According to Blizzard, to gain mortifying supernatural powers, he… …Applied online! There was like a job interview, and he said that he was very good at communicating, Which actually shows in the game, because when he uses his ulti… …He tells the enemy team what they are supposed to do. Yet, you know what? I liked him way better when he was called… …Shadow the Hedgehog! Time to fly Air Egyptian. In Overwatch’s Rock-Paper-Scissor mechanic, Pharah is a pickaxe. He’s like: “Oh, this one is a good counter towards her!” No, she’s not! Pharah is counter! Watch me! Her mother actually started Overwatch, but the only thing they have in common is the Eye of Horus tattoo. Which is supposed to grant them protection. So, Pharah, if the tattoo gives you protection… Why do you need armor? I can’t play as a resource waster! But she cares about discipline and honor, and that makes her very likable.
As supposed to- Urghh. Tracer’s backstory is that she did an experiment, Then she dissapeared, Then reappeared as a ghost randomly for hours. Sometimes days, and- That’s Watchman. That’s the backstory of Blue Watchman. But because of the experiment we now have this character with far too few counters. And she has the ability to reverse her own time. Which is like, the worst time travelling ability ever. The best thing about time travel is that you can reverse time when you come up with a good comeback. But I mean, Tracer can’t even go far back in time to like, stop Hitler. Or you know, help Hitler. Wouldn’t suprise me. When you think defense, you think annoying. Like Mei! Fortunately, she’s completely unplayable. Because she has ice powers, but it’s like she doesn’t even realize how many puns she could make. And if you hate puns, well, then I think you should chill out.
Also, she’s wearing polar exploring clothes in the summertime, and I don’t want my hero to die of a heat stroke. And that is why I’m giving her the cold shoulder. Batman & Robin is an underrated masterpiece. Over at Blizzard, one Overwatch designer said to another, “Do you think we have enough annoying heroes?” And the other one said: “Yes.” “For god’s sake.” “But let’s go for a world record.” So they added Junkrat. Every one of his abilities is designed to be annoying. If you play Junkrat, you’re probably going to get Play of the Games because of his ultimate. This will make you think that you are cool, but you’re not. We, the rest, think you are scum.
We are actually embarrassed for you. Now everyone is expecting me to say something similar about Bastion. But I’m not. Because Bastion is the only hero that requires skill. Don’t worry, I can back up my claim. But nah, instead I’m going to read complaints. “Remove Bastion” Success breeds jealousy. “Bastion is stupidly overpowered.” Success breeds jealousy. Oh my god. Look at all this jealousy breeding. This is a salt documentary. What’s this, another salt documentary? Don’t play him. When people see a Bastion player, they will think: “Oh, that’s the guy who knows what he’s doing.” So they will stop focusing and instead try to impress you. Sometimes you forget that us Bastion players are also mere mortals. You could instead build turrets. Torbjörn is from Gothenburg, Sweden. TORBJÖRN: For the last time, I’m Swedish! Or maybe not. But what do I know about Swedish accents? He’s probably from Ironforge. And everyone just assumed he was Swedish.
But my patriotism won’t save him. Don’t play him either, because… This might not be the most PC opinion, but I don’t think people from Gothenburg should be allowed to serve in the military. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not Gothen-phobic or anything, It’s just that I think they should stick to what they’re good at, which is crab fishing, And overreacting to horror games.
Speaking of Europeans, there’s a sniper named Widowmaker. She can one-hit like half the roster, so every noob will play her. Personally, can’t play her, because she’s unrealistic. “Yeah, Kilian, she is purple.” No, that’s because her suit is tight. She even had to open up here so that she could breathe. She’s unrealistic because she’s supposed to be French. But not once have I heard her say “Sacre bleu!” According to scientific studies the average French person will say “Sacre bleu” 49 times in one day. So Blizzard had a sniper, but all the kids were talking about these “No-scopes”. Blizzard, having never created an FPS before, didn’t know what that was. So they made an educated guess and created a sniper with no scope. Meet Hanzo, real name Ryu Ga Wa Ga Something Something.
Which roughly translates to “Play of the Game”. And he will shout his name all the time, much like a Pokemon. I want to play Hanzo, but there are already two Hanzos on my team. And I haven’t even joined a team yet. Ah, Winston. The monkey mascot of Overwatch. But he says: “I’m not a monkey, I’m a scientist!” Yet he invented a bunch of stuff, so he’s probably an engineer. What else are you lying about? Are you really a gorilla? Cause I think you might be a beaver! There’s no point in playing Winston, because the best thing is that he can reach an objective fast.
But anyone who has played Overwatch for more than three minutes will know that it’s not about the objective. It’s about running around alone to get a good K/D score. Another good objective hero is Zarya. No, she has nothing in common with Heavy. Zarya is from Russia, Heavy is from the USSR. She is the queen of killstreaks. If you die even once with Zarya, you are worthless. And should uninstall the game. I have lots of great reasons why you should not play her. But you weren’t going to anyways. You we’re probably going to play D.VA. A tank with the headshot hitbox the size of Mount Everest. She was a professional Starcraft player, then she quit and became like, an anime protagonist? *sigh* That’s a lie. She didn’t quit. Starcraft died. ♫ Nothing compares to you! ♫ *sobbing* Nothing compares to you… ♫ Nothing compares to you! ♫ *sobbing* Nothing compares to you…
What kind of pro name is D.VA? Look at all these actual pros, and notice how they are all random unrelated English words! Has anyone at your company actually played Starcraft? You disgust me! I fucking despise you! Who’s next? Reinhardt! He’s got like, a shield… …And a hammer… …And he shoots… ♫ Ich bin Reinhardt det riese soldat ♫ ♫ Kommen aus Deutschland ♫ ♫ ??? ♫ ♫ Und dann wurde ein panzerkamphvagen! ♫ What the hell am I doing? [Song continues in background, that was fun to subtitle.] Roadhog! Roadhog is Overwatch’s version of Pudge from Dota All-Stars, Or Blitzcrank, from the sequel. He looks terrifying and has a terrifying voice. Wonder what came first? Did he speak like that in kindergarten, and his parents were like: “Well he’s fucked, let’s teach him how to kill!” I would avoid playing Roadie, because if you look here it says “Need a hero question mark?” Roadhog is a criminal, which is pretty far from being a hero.
I’m worried that Blizzard might also discover this and remove him. Lucio is proof that no-one on this planet knows what a Portugese accent sounds like. He is a Brazillian musician. While his music does sound somewhat modern today, Overwatch is sixty years into the future. So he’s basically playing rock around the clock. Lucio is not a real healer or a DPS. The only reason to play him is because you can knock people into a hole. But on maps where this is hard to do, Like, what’s the point? Why not play a hero that can fly, like Mercy? The second Swedish hero. But she’s from Zürich. Her backstory is that she fought for peace, and wanted to save lives.
What a true hero! Then she had to go and put wings on herself. Which proves that she was only doing it to feed her massive ego. What an asshole! Yeah, that’s right. I called your waifu an asshole. She can only fly when she sees an ally. That makes about as much sense as putting a defense hero in the support section! Damn it! Symmetra’s teleporter is very useful early game. Then it becomes extremely pointless. Like, impressively pointless. But a good Symmetra is like this Indian death god. So teleporter not needed. Problem, though. When someone picks Symmetra, the game will tell you that you don’t need a healer anymore. Which is obviously not the case. But teammates are idiots. You might as well play as robot Buddha. Zenyatta is interesting, because- And he’s dead.
Well, the thing about him- And he’s dead again! When Zenyatta is alive for more than 19 seconds, [Laughs] He’s a long range healer, Which is nice. Because you can stand in the far back and nod when shit goes down. But he tries way too hard to push his philosophies, and you don’t want to be that guy. So, the final answer is – you should not play Overwatch. Until Blizzard adds a /dance function. And that is the Kilian Experience..
As found on Youtube