Caution: Potential spoilers for a game that’s over nine months old already and follow the same format as every other entry in the franchise may be included All of Pokemon Sun and Moon and under five minutes this is Professor Not Oak he’s younger and shirtless. I’m sure he won’t matter it’s not like he’s going to end up being the guy you have to beat to become champion. You don’t have to identify as agender just pick the one that clearly looks like a boy or the one that clearly looks like a girl.

Here’s a girl running with the duffel bag with eyes new Pokemon confirmed Duffelruff! Welcome to the game! But first, a tutorial. We’re going to wave a legendary Pokemon in your face and talk for 20 minutes before you get to pick your starter. Time him to pick the fire kitten the baby owl or the retarded seal. The grass one turns into a ghost to make him more appealing this generation.

#teamretardedseal time to fight your rival except he picked a Pokemon weak to your type and he picked first. ARE YOU THE RIVAL? oh no he used leer 3 times he must be a great trainer now it’s time to set out on your adventure after 20 more minutes of the shirtless guy with facial hair from 2006 barging in your house who’s going to show you how to catch a woodpecker now go catch a woodpecker and a ladybug time to fight a rival again now he has a baby Pikachu hope you didn’t catch a woodpecker or a ladybug. Time to get a pokedex but now it is a face and opinions welcome to the trainer school where you learn how to play the game you’ve been playing for 20 years hope you’re ready for adventure nope time to learn how to take pictures and shopping oh no it’s a gang of people with a ADD that watched 8 Mile too many times.

Instead of doing dungeons and gym battles now we have trials; which are dungeons and battles. Remember how last generation shoved mega evolution down your throat super powerful and awesome versions of Pokemon that you loved well now there’s Alolan forms Pokemon from first generation that you didn’t care about with the different typing ratata has a mustache now good job here’s the Z crystal here’s an explanation on what it does here’s an illustration on what it does here’s a tutorial on what it does never wandered off because lily is neglectful and she’s scared of flowers go save him time to fight your rivals grandpa here’s the Z crystal and a Pokemon that you can ride around on yay Island number two I hope there’s a bunch of these here’s some people who know all about mega evolutions but don’t tell you until after you beat the game.

Time to fight your rival. His Pichu evolved how’d it’s friendship get that high already? Time to ride around on a Stoutland and learn where you can leave your Ditto or have some. Oh? it’s an egg! Oh? it’s an Eevee! I hope it gets a new evolution. *Buzzer* I hope it gets a new mega evolution *Buzzer* I hope it gets a Z crystal? Here’s an emo mercenary that works with team Eminem. Now you can ride around and Laparas; just like the last game. Your challenge is to swim and press “A.” Do that two more times. Good job! Here’s a crystal and a fishing rod for Magikarp oh look it’s Not Professor Oak again… but with a mask and still no shirt let’s all battle together this looks like a fun Last Man Standing battle and that ends when one pokemon gets knocked out oh look it’s the mountain let’s climb it your next trial is to watch raving Marowaks.

Can you spot the difference? now you can ride a Charizard but you can’t catch one. Here’s the totem pokemon with an actual viable strategy. Have fun blacking out. Here’s the head of an organization that wants to take unsupervised children on a boat ride to Apple headquarters. Holycrap is a pseudo legendary at level 27 too bad there’s a magic force field that prevents you from catching it welcome to island 3 your rival now has the surfing Raichu that doesn’t know Surf. oh look it’s a mountain! let’s climb it. Time for your next challenge, listening to the sounds made by the guy who runs the imaginary place that you go to trade Pokemon. Oh look it’s a mountain… let’s climb it.

Now take pictures of spooky pokemon! Have fun staying here for an hour looking for Mimikyu. Now you can ride a Sharpedo just like the last game oh no the gang of rappers that took over a town the trump funded a wall to be built around. Let’s take on their leader. He has bug types. …aren’t they the weakest? Surprise! The sad rent-a-cop is the trial captain time for the fourth island but first an obligatory trip to Apple to beat the guy that we just beat this crazy beach has pokemon in suspended animation she killed Nebby and disappeared in a floating whohaa.

Should we follow her? Nope. Let’s take a nap. Welcome to the fourth island, with appropriately leveled trainers and pokémon let’s go to Exeggutor Island where, surprise it’s an Exeggutor! Oh boy a horde battle? no time for a grand trial. Shouldn’t there be other trials that we do first? NOPE! time for a grand trial it’s time for the last trial is it going to be dragons again ding ding ding look the box legendary that’s required to progress in the game it opened up a wormhole. Maybe we’ll see that hot blond evil lady what the fudge is that? We beat her in a Pokemon battle so… she’s almost dead now? Nebby is all grown up. let’s catch him! get in the bag! I mean ball. time for Victory Road I bet it’ll be a long hard series of using Pokemon abilities to make our way to the very end of the aaaaaand it’s over obligatory rival battle before the Elite Four time to take down grandpa the one with the but the creepy one and whoever the hell this is yay now your champion nope time to fight the guy who refuses to put on a shirt good job your champion! Now go beat the Delta quest which requires you to get a whole bunch of pseudo legendaries Ultra Beasts.

Most of them have the catch rate the same as Pidgey. Now to complete the national dex nope well I’m sure there’s new Pokemon that appear on old routes like the last game nope well what about our friend Safari nope Pay Nintendo more money to move your Pokemon from the last games. the end. oh boy can’t wait for the next game I bet they’re going to play off of the title for Pokemon stars Eclipse galaxy Odyssey?.

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