Hi, welcome to my guide on?Final Fantasy XIV, the crazy Massively Multiplayer Online experience (or ?MMO? for us in-the-know types). Newbies, WoW refugees, or maybe people who are thinking of getting into the hype, I bid you all an extended welcome, as this guide is made for YOU.
The game has a wealth of classes to choose from, so picking your first Job can kind of feel like picking your starter Pokemon ? obviously you?re going with Charizard. But sometimes, you want to branch out, you crazy rebel you, and this guide is for that crazy out-there non-conformist rebellious hipster like yourself! Fight the power! Just like how that Weedle in the first bush can be your main Pokemon, so too can any of these Jobs be your main Job!?That?s?a?metaphor
But remember, there are certain expectations to be had when you?re playing you?re class, and sometimes you actually have to do your Job or everyone else dies and then blames the healer. So the following is a handy-dandy guide for you, in what to expect when you?re picking your Job or finding someone else doing theirs.
Tanks:?You?re the boss of the group. Whenever you run a dungeon with a 4-man party, you know YOU are their boss and everyone else is a subordinate eager to know how to shift paradigms in the company that is your party. When your party members die, you can blame them loudly. But when YOU die, no one will say a thing ? they?ll blame the healer and only quietly judge how much you suck, which is great for your ego. However, that attitude will only work in 4-man runs. When it comes to raids, shrink like a mouse quietly to the back and activate your DPS stance so that you won?t have to be the one 23 other people are watching fuck up. For bonus points, refuse to turn on a stance at all! Your healer will thank you; they don?t want to heal the MT anyway.
DPS:?Boy, did you pick the right archetype! DPS have no responsibilities. They are easy to criticize and judge, so it?s okay to screw up all the time. If you?re doing terribly, your team will let you know very loudly. But if you?re doing well, you won?t get a commendation anyway because it?ll all go to the tanks and healers even if you carried your party to victory. You?re fucked either way anyway, so just don?t give a shit to begin with! Ignore all mechanics, don?t bother dodging those AOEs, you?re making your healers do their job! Impress your team by doing single-target rotations on mobs! They?ll compliment you by saying, ?Wow, this DPS sure knows his rotation to a T!? And you do! So there?s no reason to stop doing it!
Healer:?Okay, let?s have a serious talk. You thought you?d picked this Job because you thought you?d be that demure girl with the big tiddies in isekai anime that?s always supporting the group from the back, but the truth is?you?re a huge masochist. Otherwise, you wouldn?t have picked a Job that involves babysitting multiple children at once who are only too happy to stick a fork into an electrical outlet. When something ? anything ? goes wrong, it?s YOUR fault. DPS didn?t dodge AOEs? Tank not using cooldowns? Someone in your party is still a Thaumaturge instead of a Black Mage or is using gear from 40 dungeons ago? WHY THE FUCK AREN?T YOU DOING YOUR JOB!? I bet getting shouted at even in text is turning you on, isn?t it? If it did, congratulations, your fellow healers are waiting for you.
Now that you know, let?s get into some slightly more advanced stuff. The more you play the game, the more the following will make sense to you! So the moment you get into groups with the following Jobs, you know what to expect!
Paladin:?Chronic flashers. There are two major types of PLDs and two sub-types. The two major types are the ones that are playing PLD? and the ones who are?roleplaying?PLD. The former will usually be an OT and the latter will almost?always?be an MT. If they are forced into OTing, expect some serious Cover action the likes of which even God has never seen. These two types come in two sub-genres: The ones who know they have Clemency, and the ones that do not. The ones that do will always Clemency like a madman, even at full health. If they start to get a little too personal with you, run away ? they?re about to turn on the ?charm? and you do not want to be in the vicinity when that happens.
Warrior:?WARs, regardless of gender, are the kind of players who are eager to slap people in the face with their big dick DPS. A WAR before 52 will be eager to tank to feel useful, but beyond that a WAR will most likely just enter the fight with Deliverance altogether. Even undergeared, even when MTing, even in Ultimate content a WAR will continue to be in Deliverance to deliver that sick sick DPS for fear of being judged by the rest of his team for his tiny penis, regardless of gender. ?If my DPS isn?t higher than any of the actual DPS jobs, I?m doing it wrong?. That?s a constant thought in a WAR?s mind.
Dark Knight:?Its wounds, they will not heal. DRK players will always tell you they picked the Job for the excellent Job Quest stories, which while true, actually only really picked it because they wanted to keep lording those edges. Even out of combat, you can tell a DRK main by their ?Jet Black Dye? purchase records. DRK mains also have a habit of pulling multiple mobs just to, quote unquote, ?feel something again?. If you go into a dungeon with an RP DRK, expect the dungeon to take twice as long.
White Mage:?WHM players will always claim to be nice people, but are always the ones responsible for killing en masse with the inappropriately-named ?Holy?. Also responsible for the blindness of teammates. WHMs are also always voted ?Most Likely to Use Rescue? in a consensus among the healers. Hates the word ?Lily?, which also happens to be the name of the Scholar?s pet fairy. That is not a coincidence. WHMs are so bored of their DPS rotation that they will actually tell you about which ?Stone? sound effect they liked the most. Do not get stuck in this conversation. Personally I prefer ?Stone III?.
Scholar:?Ever seen fairies in your party? Those people attached to them down there are the SCHs. They are designed to be the Fairy?s DPS pets. Legend states there are actually?two?fairy types, but I?ve seen no evidence to suggest such a thing. Like Astrologians, SCHs hate seeing each other, but not nearly as much. Unlike other Jobs, SCHs always fear the future, for their fairy masters are always on the nerfing watchlist.
Astrologian:?Voted ?Most Likely to Make Annoying Yu-Gi-Oh! References with Every Macro?. Like Scholars, ASTs hate seeing each other as much as they hate seeing Spire Cards. Speaking of, do not mention ?Spire Cards? in front of an AST; it will trigger Vietnam flashbacks. When two ASTs meet, a battle of dominance ensues ? which is a fancy way of saying one AST will override the other AST?s greatest cards ever. Passive aggressiveness will then follow.
Monk:?Pity these players. Before the current expansion, all the MNK mains thought it was going to be THEIR expansion. But instead their entire order was replaced by weebs. They used to only have one stance, until Stormblood said ?Hey, use these other two? and then they did but begrudgingly. MNKs have a habit of internally cumming when True North?s cooldown resets. If a MNK player suddenly shouts out ?my stacks?, it?s either a sign about the boss phase transition, or a passive-aggressive comment to the party about how slow they?re moving.
Dragoon:?Consistent masochists. DRGs will use Jump at the absolute worst time in ?The Navel (Hard)?. Will treat impaling people like sex. DRG mains chose the Job for one of two reasons: they will either say ?because of Kain?, or if a furry, will say ?because of Freya?. DRGs lead a hard life, choosing between either rejecting floor tank jokes with a passion, or embracing it with open arms. No in-betweens.
Ninja:?NIN mains will say they are not weeaboos. They are. They can explain in precise detail why ninjas summoning frogs are a normal part of shinobi lore and is not at all strange or out-of-place. You will never see a NIN player run with their weapon sheathed. Strangest of all, NIN players are surprisingly responsible with enmity, despite giving so many options to abuse it. Disappointing really. If you didn?t know the terms ?latency?, ?ping?, or ?clipping? before, you will after meeting one.
Samurai:?Also NIN mains. SAM players orgasm upon hearing or reading long unpronounceable Japanese words. Midare Setsugekka. They will willingly eat AOEs to be able to get these off. SAM RPers will most likely reference?Rurouni Kenshin,?Samurai Champloo, or God help you,?Sword Art Online. Do not trust a SAM player to remember they have a DoT skill. They will ignore it in favour of getting their three Sen faster. Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki.
Bard:?Buy all of the Crit materia right now. BRDs are RPers 24/7. They will dress appropriately, buff appropriately, play instruments appropriately, and when not in combat they?re seen around town singing songs to passersby to show them their rendition of?Smash Mouth?s ?All Star? through six different musical instruments while cats in idol outfits dance in front before clapping then leaving without another word. There are two terms BRD hate the most: ?cast time? and ?no proc?. Avoid both or risk triggering Vietnam flashbacks. BRDs will look happy and carefree on the outside, but on the inside they are a mess of crumbling thought-processes and watching procs and timers going off all at once instead of actually watching the fight they are in.
Machinist:?Seeing a MCH is like seeing a rare exotic animal from the planet Krypton. It is there for your other party members to stare and point at. They will wonder ?Wait, MCHs still exist?? or ?Wow, I bet this is a bad MCH?, and you will be eager to prove them wrong. You will not. There are only two kinds of MCHs: one who cannot perfectly time their Overheat with their Wildfires and their Hypercharges and their Rapid Fires? and one who does not exist. If you DO however find a skilled MCH who can time all of these, please ask them if it was worth it.
Black Mage:?You thought SAMs and WARs love big dick numbers? WRONG! FOOL! IDIOT! BLMs is where it?s at! BLMs are a healer?s greatest nemesis. There are two kinds of BLMs: the ones who remember they have ?Between the Lines? and ?Aetherial Manipulation?? and the ones who remember but don?t care. Watch out for the second one. If they follow a death with the words ?healers adjust?, they will likely never be seen again after an ?accidental? Rescue use. If someone claims they are an ?Ice Mage?, leave the duty immediately.
Summoner:?SMN players are either actual SMN mains or just because they happen to be SCHs and okay I guess using SMN was fine too or whatever. You can tell a SMN main when the ?Stormblood Skill Actions? video was released and they instantly orgasmed on the spot. Will orgasm a second time upon reaching level 70. This Job got the least amount of buttons to press when the new expansion hit, and yet somehow still has no buttons left on the hotbar. Used to hate seeing the word ?Summoner? on any new reddit thread, but WHO?S LAUGHING NOW!?
Red Mage:?RDMs are a class of statistics. 90% cannot pronounce their skill names. 75% will die using ?Displacement?. 60% will activate ?Manafication? at the wrong time. 50% will remember not to use ?Displacement? in raids with pitfalls and immediately forget after doing their melee combo. 35% do not realize they have a melee combo. Like SMNs, they can raise 40 people in a raid, yet never receive a commendation. I hope you like verjokes.
Blue Mage:?You will never see these.