Garbage Guide To Subnautica – The Biggest Monster


Water levels are usually terrible. But what if the entire game was a water level? Would it still be awful? Y-yeah, of course. Unless it has giant monsters. [Garbage Guide Sound FX] The game has big monsters but the ancient scrolls speak of a titan and by “ancient scrolls”, I mean early developer notes. In the game’s alien language, this beast is called “Kekokokekekhe”. It-it-it’s a long word, but it directly translates to… “Marcus.” Today, I’m going to show you how to hunt down this great blue serpent! Then we’re gonna grill him and serve him with a nice lemon sauce. The game begins with our big ship crashing. Why? Be-because I didn’t turn off my cellphone. Everything is chaos but then our character gets calmed down by Nature’s sleeping pill. We wake up hours later by the smell of barbecue.

It’s us. We are the barbecue. Save the life pod and leave. Ah. Welcome to Planet four, five – that’s a dumb name. Considering our planet is called Earth even though it’s a bunch of water and this place has even more water. I’m going to call this planet “Even More Earth.” Is this one of those games where you die when you touch water? Apparently not, but we can’t hold our breath. To increase underwater time, we need O2 tanks. What does the “O2” stand for? Ah, it’s a telephone company. Now I get it. We construct the tanks using materials we find on the ground.

Yes, there is farming and grinding in Subnautica. How much? Well on a scale of “No Grind” degree and MMO, it gets a Tony Hawk. This lad can swim like a dolphin. Even though he’s carrying two tons of titanium. He must be 90 percent muscle. Yay, air. Now, we might want to fix our life pod. So that we can resell it. For a repair tool, besides titanium, we need s-s-salt. I know where to get salt! Download League of Legends… There we go! Sulfuric powder… that we get from… What’s the evolutionary purpose of a fish that just explodes? Now we have to make our first big decision: fix the life-support systems, or keep this cozy lighting. What? The ship Aurora is about explode? *Six* *Five* *Fo-o-o-o-u-u-u-r* *Thr-r-r-r-re-e-e-e-e* *Tw-o-o-o-o-o* Where’s the “kaboom”? There was supposed to be a “kaboom”. Fine, let’s repair the… Ugh, typical. Using the radio, we can find out if anyone else survived the crash.

Let’s hope not. That’s just more competition. Dammit, a signal. It’s so far away. We’ll need a Seaglider. Don’t know how to build it… Because we’re monster slayers not naval engineers: the WORST engineer. Fortunately we can scan stuff and get blueprints. This is 50% of the game: endlessly searching for stuff to scan and contemplating your life choices.

We are stranded, so let’s only scan the most important resource… Ooh! A lab counter! It’s a good one. I’m Swedish, we like furniture. Seaglider! I’m also bringing a knife, in case the survivors try something stupid. Like bring a knife. We’re here. Oh, thank God. They’re all dead. Now we can take their stuff. Ooh, a new signal. Maybe it’s another empty pod. “Hello, this is the ship Sunbeam with GreenPeace. Future Greenpeace We solve our problems with assault rifles. We know who you are, Kilian. If you let Marcus go now that will be the end of it, but if you don’t we will look for you. We will find you and we will kill you. Good luck! That could be a problem good thing I crashed the ship so they can’t track us.

New mission: to find Marcus. We’ll call it operation S.E.A. Uh- the Secret, Endearing, Aftertaste. I-I’m not good with operation names. I also need a codename. Call me Ishmael. Or Ahab. In reverse, it’s Baha, the guys made “Who Let the Dogs Out”. But to search for the blue serpents we need to be underwater longer than spitzer video. First idea: carry a hundred of these Second idea: a vehicle. The Seamoth, yes, a mini submarine named after ugly butterflies Got a blueprint, built it, and it looks like an apple project. Hey a new signal! Hi Killian. I’m a beautiful woman. [oh] pSyche, it’s Greenpeace [Huh], I told you I would find you who else would be blasting ‘girls just wanna have fun’ at 4:00 in the morning Countdown. I have to solve this before hunting Marcus, and I have an idea. There is a facility on an island to the north and look at this location When this is done.

I’m turning it into a hotel. It even has an indoor pool What’s this? Controls for a giant cannon? I’m gonna press a button. You see this planet used to be ruled by an advanced alien race, and then they got wiped out Hold on. We’ve already talked about this. Twice. They got wiped out by a disease so now the planet is under quarantine Our dear dear greenpeace has to be shot down. At least, that’s what I’m gonna tell the cops. Back to searching for clues on Marcus’s whereabouts And I have an idea on where to start. Couple of problems; to even get there need a radiation suit Wait why? I’ll just jump into the water and wash the radiation away. Seriously guys learn up to science. The ship itself is full of these uhh “Trademark Valve 1998”. But to fight them we can create this uhh “Trademark Valve 2007” But that’s not the biggest problem. This might come as a surprise but Subnautica has a lot of water, and that makes it terrifying. Is it the open ocean and all its mysteries that is the cause? no.

NO. Using advanced scientific methods I have learned that water itself is pretty spooky To be fair, the sea also has weird and creepy creatures Like this, and that, and worst of all THIS Subnautica does too and the worst one of them all is the Reaper Leviathan You know he’s bad because he’s named after the grim reaper and a-a Big Jewish fish? A gang of reapers, also known as a piss crater, are patrolling outside the Aurora I need to take care of this, then get lunch. Would love to turn these guys into calamari. Calamari..? Spain! Of course! Paint this red. Let’s do this Ole! Ole! All of them dead. I actually had to sign legal documents to show you this. Hey an office Boring info about the trip, but the last sentence: “a guy named Kilian with the Make-A-Wish foundation wanted to meet his friend Marcus”[?] Is it talking about the Marcus we are studying our super secret grand reef lab? Yes a lead.

May God hunt us all if we do not hunt Marcus to his death. That is a quote from a book I have not read because it’s long and boring. Let’s return to HQ This place looks different. There used to be a wall here. Wait, Marcus was here And I missed him. How disappointing Ugh fine, I’ll be a bit more dramatic Ye damned serpent, may the Lord curse ye bones! There are problems going to the lab. The grand reef is very deep and moist so we need a hard Phallic object to enter it But to get a submarine I need the blah blah blah just used console commands It’s officially called the cyclops so we shall call it “The Submarine”.

Also can’t go back here every time I need food Time to get real estate. Let’s build a sea base Done I’m kind of embarrassed because I don’t have any flat screens Apparently I can build one of these in my sub, so all of this was a waste of time There’s the lab! This was just a bunch of people complaining about a much cooler alien lab by the Lost River This is the Lost River; called that, not because the river is lost, because it’s easy to get lost A bunch of creatures did and now they are all skeletons Scientists believe this creature is Marcus’s alcoholic aunt The alien lab is just a bunch of people complaining about the disease! Why does everyone care about sUrViVaL? But no one cares about GLORY.

They did give me a signal to a facility further down Follow the river, pass a tree and Stanley the big-ass shark, when things are starting to geiger, we on the right track Welcome to lava land *gasp* I hear a massive creature. Could that be him? No, it’s just a dragon, not a real threat. And he’s using my submarine as a chew toy. If I get control back I’m gonna ram him. This is why you look before you cross the road. Following the signal led me here They kept a creature they call “Emperor” in a prison somewhere around here. Could Emperor be their way of saying Marcus? Apparently it’s the only being immune to the disease destroying the planet. That means killing him would doom this world Where’s the God damn Seamoth fragment? Ahh, it crashed. I missed the explosion! Again! Fuck this planet. I found a prison but after entering I came to a shocking realization! It’s not in the game yet; early access baby! After hacking the game source code I found out He’s not even in there.

The Emperor left, dressed up as a security guard and went through the front door Makes sense. When you’re a giant sea monster you would have enough confidence to pull that off Currently he’s behind the Cannon island somewhere Now we know where he is. Time to arm up! Really? I can build a nuclear reactor but I can’t build a harpoon. What the shit. I guess my knife will do. Let’s go hunt some eel. After searching for three in-game days, I finally found something. A big monster. Is this Marcus? But he’s not a serpent and he’s not blue But I know better than to ask about skin color.

Marcus is deader than a bottle. I’m actually quite relieved He’s bigger than I expected. I’m not sure I could have taken this guy. That’s it I guess. Time to return home to my overpriced base I am curious what killed him, but I guess we’ll never know and that is the Kilian Ex… OH MY GOD. d-did I leave the stove on? yeah, yeah, I left the stove on back at the base I have completely lost control of my car, and I’m gonna make a bold statement. I think this might be him Maybe yes Maybe I can ram this one too with my iSub N-No, no, he has ripped it to pieces. If I just get to the sub I’m safe Come on Come on! I made it now. I need to come up with a plan. Nope! I was wrong. Not safe! Not Safe! God, I wish had some torpedoes.

Maybe maybe I can flash my l-lights at him? What? Why did I do that? I think I got away? I have to get to land and I don’t think he’s chasing Oh shit! Might be quick in water, but the big bastard doesn’t have legs With only 60% damage I can work, with only 100% damage No, that can’t be good. That really can’t be good. Time to get the fuck out of here Not better! Not better at all! He seems to be focused on the submarine I’m alive! So we found Marcus; I say operation S.E.A.

Was a success. No… It’s not over until the beast is dead. how did Ahab kill the white whale in the book? “Ahab sights Moby Dick and realizes that vengeance isn’t enough to kill him” “He gets a gym membership and gets swole” “He became Captain Ahabbs” Melville is right. The only way to defeat Marcus is with these two guns. I stated the character was 90% muscle. We are going to turn that into [200%] *singing* Don’t lose a grip on the dreams of the past. Just a fight just to dun-de-dun-dun alive~ *singing* It’s the eye tiger it’s the thrill of the fight rising up to the challenge of our rival I am ready. Where are you? Marcus! From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee! I did it.

I killed him. How nice. But how do I get off this planet? That’s the actual goal of the game. I can build rockets or maybe Yes, this could work So Killian flew with his fire extinguisher all the way back to Earth. And if you don’t know this is exactly how Moby Dick ends. And that is the Kilian experience.

As found on YouTube

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