[TF2] A Mann’s Guide to the Beggar’s Bazooka


TF2 is one of those games that relies heavily on precision. Most of the notable weapons are single-fire, and even the ones that you wouldn?t think require precision, like shotguns, have variants that are entirely reliant upon it. In fact, a bunch of the really good character unlocks are things that give you benefits in exchange for precision. You?ve got stuff like a sniper rifle that gives you a faster charge rate for hitting headshots. A one-and-done flare gun that requires prediction and timing to deal a significant burst of long-range damage. I mean, you?ve even got a minigun that tightens your spread, rewarding you for good tracking at mid-range. Looking at this, it?s clear that TF2?s design not only centers around movement, but also around being precise…what the hell is that? Spy! *deviation kill* *instant replay of deviation kill* *are you actually serious right now valve* Oh, boy.

I?m gonna have to talk about this, huh? Ethan: WAIT WAIT Wait Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait, hang on, hang on. I really don?t want to do this, man. KJ: Ethan, do it Ethan: Dude, no! Alright, look – I just spent the entire intro talking about precision, and this is the exact opposite of that! I mean, look at it! Soldier pulled it out of a dumpster – It?s canonically actual literal trash! KJ: Ethan? Ethan: No! C?mon, man KJ: ETHAN! KJ: [sighs] Look dude, you?re quitting stereotypes soon, you?ve gotta have SOMETHING take its place, right? Ethan: I mean?yeah? KJ: And you had this series get sponsored by Marketplace.tf, the useful and convenient website that allows you to buy TF2 items instantly and for cheaper than the Steam Market, right? Ethan: wait did you actually just put the sponsor plug in the intro – KJ: AND, this is one of those weapons that is just dumb most of the time.

You like that kind of stuff, don?t you? Ethan: Yeah, yeah, alright. I…uh…yeah, I guess you?re right. [sigh] Okay. KJ: Hey [snap] hey! Look alive, sellout. You?ve got a video to make. Ethan: Oh, you are just the worst… Alright, let?s do this. The Beggar?s Bazooka is fundamentally different from any of Soldier?s other unlocks. Instead of firing when the mouse1 button is pressed, you instead load a rocket upon clicking, and fire it when you release. It?s roughly similar to charging up a smash attack. Or using the classic, if you?re into masochism. But, yeah – this thing will allow you to load up to three rockets before it overloads and swiftly turns you into a can of chunky human soup.

Put simply, this thing is really weird. So, as a Beggar?s Bazooka Soldier, it is your job to be just as weird. Basically I?m saying you should use this like a total idiot, because god knows it?s gonna let you get away with it. Practically everything about this weapon rewards you for playing like a moron. Okay, example: This thing can fire almost as fast as the stock launcher, but since the clip works differently than stock, you draw the rockets directly from your reserve. This means that, if you tap mouse1 a bunch of times, you essentially have an infinite clip, and don?t have to worry about rocket management…at all. Put into practice, this basically looks like…well? [laughter, m1 spam] [screams and explosions in the distance] [more m1 spam] Orna: JESUS! Ethan: Guys, you don?t understand, this glue just smells friggin? amazing! So I think there?s a better word to describe what you should be as a Beggar?s Soldier: A Savant.

Like, don?t get me wrong, there?s definitely some mechanical skill involved here, and if you get good at it, well, the skill ceiling is still crazy high. But even if you don?t know what you?re doing, you can still clean house very easily. Like, look – lemme give you an example: So in this clip I get distracted by a friendly ?cause he?s really cute, and OH OKAY alright, and…uh? oh shit this guy, okay no problem, I?ll corner peek him…okay, gottem. Wait what the fuck? Hang on, wait, wait wait? So if that wasn?t him, then who was it? Who are you? WHY DID I KILL YOU? Eh, it doesn?t matter, in this clip I see some people coming up from sewer, so I go ahead and get ready to meet them, and fire off a rocket for no reason, and guess what happens next? Go on, guess.

Yeah, you guessed it. There?s a spy there. Did I know that? No. Am I gonna pretend like I knew that? Of course I am! This is the TF2 equivalent of the drunken fist, that?s my THING, dude. Anyway, now I?m gonna go kill these guys with a shitload of spam, as you do. Yeah, that?s right scout. Yeah, that?s right, run. RUN FROM MY OVERWHELMING POWER… …he got away but that doesn?t matter let?s just ignore that part – Alright, so I know there?s a sniper watching a sightline somewhere, so I?m gonna need to be careful here. I don?t wanna peek prematurely or anything like that – Eh, y?know what, just kidding! Fuck your sightlines, I?ve got a Beggar?s Bazooka, that means you?re already dead! Positioning? WHAT?S THAT? Hey, speaking of positioning, let?s talk about this part on the stats.

Yeah, that red text that talks about overloading. Yeah, that?s supposed to be a downside, but it?s actually the best part about the entire weapon. That overload lets you do this: mid air jumps, with no need for a wall to jump off of. Combine that with the fact that you essentially have an infinite clip, and you can basically put yourself anywhere on the map you want to be, at any time. It?s kind of…stupid. (lol) So, yeah. Saying this thing has ?high mobility? is the understatement of the century. Like, look at this – I?m gonna start over here, and then just go FLYING up the hill and then slide up the ramp, see if I can find anybody over here, and there?s…uhh…nobody. Hang on, where is everybody? Lemme just check down here…oh hey! Here?s someone, and boom, you?re dead. No walls? No problem. Let?s just go ahead and jump right on up here, and then jump off the air molecules, and boom, you?re dead.

Load up some rockets, jump up here, and oh shit he?s uh – Yeah, I totally meant to do that, what are you talking about? Alright, so I know the scout?s been liking to go to the tower recently…Yup! Okay, yeah, you?re dead instantly. Now we took care of him, let?s just go ahead and jump over here, see if we can find anybody. While we?re over here we might as well get some health, reset. And oh, okay, this guy got the drop on me! Better teleport to the other side of the map! Hey, guess what? You?re dead instantly! Now I?M dead instantly! That?s how fast the Beggar?s kills shit! This thing will basically push the Source Engine to its limits, and honestly, I think it?s only a matter of time before it pushes it beyond that. Ethan: [soldier_sf12_falling01.mp3] [Also soldier_sf12_falling01.mp3] [He?s still going] Dallas: [needs a medic bag] MUL-T: [totally accurate death scream] [Sad wobbling noises] Ethan: Aw :c Average Fortnite Player: [in regional dialect] Hello! DRG Scout: AAAAHHH Markus: OI! Ethan: [sci_pain4.wav] Excalibur Umbra: [loud howling noises] Doomfist: [falling off a cliff] Stick Figure: [about to get hit by a giant burger] Mike Haze: [having a very bad day] (ow) DESTRUCTIVE FINISH! (ow again) Ow, medic! Owwww…okay? (I very much regret this skit) LazyPurple: We?ll be right back after a quick message from our sponsor! Ethan: Mann?s Guide is sponsored by Markiplier.t…wait, I can?t talk, Jesus.

Okay, hang on? Mann?s Guide is sponsored by Marketplace.tf, the useful and convenient website that, yes, is cheaper than the Steam market. That?s not a marketing buzzword, it?s actually just way cheaper. See? Marketplace.tf was launched in 2013 and is made by the same people behind Scrap.tf and Backpack.tf. So in terms of convenience, you already know it?s gonna be pretty high-tier. You can buy or sell TF2 items for straight cash, no BS. There?s just a single 10% fee, compared to the Steam Community Market?s 15%, and that fee isn?t placed on the buyer like lots of other services try to do. If you?re selling items, you can set up your own little shop, and when you sell stuff, you can either use that money to buy other items right there in the site, or you can get a PayPal payout within 5 minutes, with no additional fee. It?s fast, cheap, and easy. There?s a link in the description if you?re interested.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot! That?s not even the best part. The totally awesome thing about this site is that there?s no gambling involved, unlike WinFreeTF2ItemsNoVirusIPromise.tf over there, so having my video be sponsored by it is? y?know?it’s ACTUALLY LEGAL. LazyPurple: Let?s get right back to our feature presentation! KJ: Hey! Ethan: KJ, hang on, I gotta sneeze? Let?s talk about the barrage mechanic. Y?know, the thing that the weapon was supposed to be based on? Yeah, I just realized I hadn?t talked about that yet – I kinda got distracted repeatedly tapping mouse1 and sniffing glue, so I kind of forgot. Anyway. The barrage mechanic is, you guessed it, incredibly strong. In terms of raw burst damage, it?s already ridiculous, but when you think about overload jumping and how you can sync up your rockets to connect even closer to one another and how damage falloff is calculated with player distance to rocket and not total distance traveled and how you can hold the barrage by taunting and…I…y?know what? I?m just gonna just let these clips speak for themselves.

Wait, what? I…uh… well, alright then. Look? Much like the soldiers who use this thing, I?ve been kind of aimless with what I?m talking about here. I?ve just been kind of jumping around from topic to topic, from mechanic to mechanic, with no real cohesion or thought put into it at all. So I?m gonna try and reel this video back in. How should you, a real Mann Co. Mercenary, use the Beggar?s Bazooka? Well, to do that, I?m gonna have to talk about one more mechanic, as well as my favorite thing in video games, RNG.

[Evil laughing] Isn?t this WACKY, and UNIQUE, and FUN? Are you having fun yet? WHY AREN?T YOU HAVING FUN, ANSWER ME! The beggars has a firing radius larger than stock?s – specifically, it can fire anywhere within a 3 degree cone starting at the barrel of the launcher. Or possibly the grip, depending on who you ask. And it certainly feels less precise than 3 degrees, but…whatever. This means that you could theoretically hit an airshot anywhere within that cone, cause the rocket could go anywhere, right? And when you consider that TF2 has an aim-lock (you can only aim so far up), you realize that the Beggar?s could fire past that. So, theoretically, this means that you could hit more airshots with the Beggar?s Bazooka.

Because of this, the best way to play Beggar’s Soldier is CLEARLY… …to just go for airshots. Okay, you don?t believe me, you need an example. Just watch: Shit Fuck! I feel like I?m trying to take a piss while I?m shit-faced! Goddamn piece of shit – Fine, I?ll just? Oh shit, I did it! I DID IT! Wait, where?d he go? See? A third of the time it works all the time, what?d I tell ya? Seriously, though, sarcastic anti-tutorial bit aside, there are going to be moments where the rocket deviation works in your favor.

I mean, really! How do you dodge a soldier?s rockets when even he doesn?t know where the heck they?re gonna go? Honestly, when you?re using this thing, it?s basically like you?re playing the lottery. You could either hit lucky 7s or get served the freshest of ass whoopings…wait, what? That makes no f—ing sense – who even wrote that? KJ: That was me, what about it? Also, language – we?re trying to boost CPM, remember? Ethan: You tried to draw a comparison to the lottery, but your reasoning for it was because of a slot machine? Okay, I guess I?ll buy that, it?s a stretch but they?re both related to gambling, but then there?s the ?ass-whooping? part.

What does that have to do with gambling? It?s stupid! KJ: You?re stupid! Ethan: Just…shut up, man! Alright? Stop messing with my script, I can handle this. Okay, here?s an…alternate bit? Okay, hang on – So basically it?s like throwing your shit at a wall, because sometimes it sticks, and sometimes you get thrown in a padded cell. Then you realize that you are in a padded cell for throwing shit at people – wait, okay, that?s funny, but that makes no sense either! KJ, I love you, dude, but you can?t write a script or convincingly voice act to save your life.

I mean, I?m not exactly setting a high bar here, but dude, c?mon! KJ: It?s my show! I?m the producer! Ethan: And I?m the editor. And the host! And I say that your analogy made no sense. This whole thing makes no sense! KJ: Well, it?d make sense if you were a real beggar?s soldier. Ethan: Alright, I?m gonna go ahead and rate the beggar’s bazooka 2 degrees of rocket deviation out of 5. I really want to like this weapon, the movement shit it can do is awesome. But the weird, imprecise bullshit and unrelentingly stupid playstyle that it promotes is just absolutely – Spy: Okay guys, I?m gonna have to give this weapon a 6/2 Sound…smith points? Hey, when do I get paid? I?ll suck your di- LazyPurple: Mann?s Guide is filmed in front of a live studio audience! Nobody laughed, but…they were there. Trust me..

As found on YouTube

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